Mediate Michigan

The holidays can be especially difficult for separated/divorced parents and children.  Here are some tips excerpted from an article that can be found here.

The greatest gift you can give your children at Christmas is peaceful relations with their other parent. As long as you and the other parents are not duking it out over how the holiday will unfold, chances are the children will happily adapt to whatever format is laid out for this Christmas, said Gary Direnfeld, a social worker and parent co-ordinator.

However, some parents are incapable of negotiating these details between themselves. They need professional help such as a social worker to help mediate a solution or perhaps a collaborative lawyer who will help negotiate a solution so they will not have to go to court.

“They can appoint someone to be the official coin tosser – literally,” Direnfeld said. “So that could be a trusted friend or family member. So heads you get the Christmas Eve to Christmas morning or tails, I get it. And then what parents are advised to do is switch over on alternate years.”

Never get the children to play the part of mediator. “Children should not be a party to making arrangements on behalf of the parents -ever,” said Direnfeld. “It is putting kids in the middle like that that is dangerous to them. The child cannot satisfy the needs of both parents … They are doomed to failure.” As the kids fail in this task of brokering the Christmas deal, this undermines their esteem and sense of confidence.

Realize that Christmas can and will be different. “Our expectations of Christmas from years ago are not necessarily our kids’ expectations of Christmas,” said Sandra Mews, of the Sudbury Family Mediation Centre. You can’t give your child the Christmas you experienced as child. But consider the fact they’re going to have two celebrations instead of one.

Christmas is not really just confined to Dec. 25. It’s really about creating a spirit around the holidays in general. Your celebration can take place on the Dec. 24 or 26 or any other day. This is an opportunity to create new traditions. Parents should try not to feel guilty. Have a whole new way of appreciating the Christmas season.

Separated parents tend to feel a little disconnected and alone during this season that is a celebration of family. “That might be a time for them to reach out for support from family and friends,” said Mews. “There are a lot of people in the same boat. Your not the only person out there feeling this way.”